Why I love PRICK

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When Cuiplash and I first dipped our toes into this exciting new world of BDSM a number of years ago, I quickly became aware of all the labels and acronyms surrounding risk, consent and play. It became obvious to me that the wealth of activities, toys and implements carried a wide range of actual or perceived risk. 

The first one I became familiar with was Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC). This seemed to be the most familiar and accepted guide as a cover all for most activities and is pretty self explanatory. It assumes that participants agree that what they do is safe, that it is done with sound mind and with consent from all involved. One criticism of SSC, however, is that it doesn’t necessarily encompass risk awareness. It also relies somewhat on perceptions of what is safe or sane and potentially assumes some acts as safe and others as not, when in fact, all carry risk and are not inherently safe, or sane.

This takes us to the next broadly accepted  alternative guide that is Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This focuses much more on assuming all parties are risk aware and consent is implicit so I would say it’s potentially an improvement on SSC, although can also be criticised on the assumptions that participants have ensured they are risk aware.

A third acronym deals more specifically with the emotional and mental well-being of all involved, a notion not necessarily encompassed by SSC or RACK, and is known as Committed Compassionate Consent (CCC). This one, for many, fills a perceived gap in ensuring not just the physical safety of those involved but the consideration of the whole person.

My favourite, however, is Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK), which is seen as an extension of RACK. I love PRICK (lol) as it makes more sense to me to be actively involved in my own kink education and risk awareness. It makes sense to me to accept personal responsibility for choosing to participate in risky activities from an informed position.

I feel I cannot expect to put that responsibility entirely on Cuiplash, despite trusting him implicitly. Despite being his submissive, I am also first and foremost his wife, his partner, his best friend and the mother of his children and I believe I have an equal part to play in learning and understanding the risks we take with my body, my emotions and my mental wellbeing when we play the way we do sometimes. His emotions and wellbeing are of equal importance and, for us, knowing we both understand what we are doing and why, and the potential impacts, serves to strengthen our connection and mutual trust and confidence in each other to do no harm.

As we developed our D/s and our S&M we explored many things and slowly and gradually pushed boundaries, particularly around the more ‘edgy’ activities including fisting, breath play and knife play. It took us a number of years to build upon and develop an increased repertoire to our initial kink and play foundation and I would really urge new people to take it slowly and at your own pace. For each, however, I wanted to ensure I knew exactly what the risks were, what to be aware of, what not to do and where the risks lay. I remember researching caning early on, when it was a hard limit for me, and finding out skin can be split and feeling terrified at the prospect. Caning is now a firm favourite for us both as that boundary shifted over time with experience and confidence, and despite receiving some impressive welts, stripes and bruising thankfully my initial concern has never been realised. I think I appreciated the act and the cane more for understanding its risks.

Cuiplash and I regularly share information, discuss concerns and jointly and individually research and test out toys and activities before we use or do them so we are both involved in understanding and appreciating the risks involved and making an informed decision on how, and to what extent, to proceed together. I enjoy learning alongside him and jointly choosing what will work for us or what he or I would like to try. The final decision, of course, is his and how, when and if I do.

I think it’s important to note that all of these terms are subjective and are open to interpretation and scrutiny. Some are received and accepted more than others and all have their pros and cons. Whether you subscribe to SSC, RACK, CCC or love PRICK like me, I think it’s important to understand what each means to you both and to what extent it applies to and works for your own relationship.

Yoga tears

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I recently started a beginners yoga class, despite not being a beginner. Many years ago I practiced Ashtanga yoga and I loved the experience of the mindful connection between breath and body and building strength and appreciation in myself as a result. My body now is much older, stiffer and a lot more creaky so it was with some trepidation I decided to start it over again.

Part of my decision was also rooted in an increased awareness or need to prioritise myself. To make time in my week to just be me, and be with me. To let go of all the responsibilities of organising and caring for other people and take the time to give to myself, in order to nurture my physical and emotional well-being.

So I was more than a little surprised when, lying in Savasana at the end of an hour of Vinyasa practice I started to cry. I’m definitely one to be emotional, especially lately, but I’m definitely not one to openly cry in public. So there I am, lying flat under a cosy blanket, my head on a soft pillow, the room dimmed and silent except for slight shuffling from the other ladies, some beautiful relaxation music and the voice of my instructor leading us through the final relaxation sequence.

Thank yourself for taking the time to come to yoga tonight,” she said “thank yourself for looking after yourself.” As I internally said thank you tears immediately sprung into my eyes. I tried to breathe as steadily as I could and not let them spill past my closed lids so no-one would notice. Embarrassed and ashamed about this sudden and unexpected flood of feeling. I don’t think anyone noticed and I managed to wipe them away before sitting up again.

In my pieces Parts and Can your inner child come out and play? I wrote about my inner me, the much smaller and very vulnerable child version of me and I know that it was here that the internal thank you and the tears originated. Without sounding too weird, she felt seen and honoured, and she thanked me for that. By taking the time to do something for myself, to meet a personal need and focus on my body and breath I cared for all of me. Not just the outer functional, driven part but the deep sensitive and often neglected part.

Clinical psychologist and registered yoga teacher Melody Moore, Ph.D., says that it is common. “The body remembers everything and holds unprocessed tension.” “When we move our bodies and breathe, it gives us an opportunity to work out that tension. As it releases, so too does the emotional story or baggage.”

Yoga is also a time to get out of our heads and “drop down into our bodies,” says licensed psychotherapist Mariana Caplan, Ph.D., author of Yoga and Psyche. “The body contains the memory of the whole life we have lived,” so many emotions—sadness, fear, anger, arousal—can pop up in class when you’re not as focused on your day to day demands, she explains.

It helped to read these testimonies and to know that it is totally normal. This is something I know I can also experience during intense play with Cuiplash, particularly if the intention is there to break me down and create catharsis. I can see the similarities and how it makes sense that in stopping being ‘busy’ with the daily demands, and in having my mind quietened by just breathing and experiencing my body I can open and create the space for emotions, and tears, to rise and be processed.

It was quite a profound experience, although surprising, and confirms that I am on the right path. I’ll just pack tissues next week, as well as ask Cuiplash for some more therapeutic spankings when I need them…

My relationship with pain

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My relationship with pain is a long and complicated one. One I’ve only fairly recently come to terms with and accepted within myself.

I started hurting myself when I was around 10 years old, past most of the traumatic events of my childhood but a few years short of being out of the woods yet regarding my father’s unstable and violent behaviours. I remember becoming engrossed in picking the backs of my arms and legs, feeling for bumps and tiny imperfections that had to be removed. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned that this obsessive form of self grooming is a type of stress response that becomes a default self soothing behaviour in response to trauma.

When I was 14 I pulled out my first head hair. Trichotillomania joined the dermatillomania as my main body focused repetitive behaviours that allowed me to inflict tiny calming repetitive pains upon my body. I’d say that I’m lucky that neither resulted in significant hair loss or skin damage, however, I’ll admit these are unhelpful habits that I still struggle with particularly when stressed.

As an adult I sustained a couple of significant injuries to my hip and rotator cuff shoulder cartilage as a result of bad falls I experienced whilst taking part in sports I enjoyed. Neither of these injuries were ever properly treated and I live with chronic pain and discomfort as a result. This tends to be on a sliding scale of being unaware until I direct my attention there to constant pain exarcerbated by movement and requiring pain medication. I should really seek surgery but one, I’m scared of the risk and two, rehabilitation.

Emotional pain is a big one for me. You’ll know from my writings that earlier this year I was finally diagnosed with Complex PTSD as a result of the shit show that was my childhood. I’ve lived my whole life managing and masking difficult anxiety and depression symptoms to a greater or lesser extent whilst still being functional in all regards. Recently I’ve been learning about the reasons why, and  developing additional awareness of hypervigilance, painful emotional triggering, self worth and attachment based symptoms that I experience too as a result of my experiences. These will take time to heal from and I know I’ve still a long way to go, but I’m on it.

I never chose any of those pains, and at times I can feel helpless in their grip. I can only choose how to manage them, hide them, accept them and heal them. When Cuiplash and I started to introduce power exchange and BDSM into the bedroom, however, a world of pain I could actually choose opened up.

We’d spent roughly two or three years drifting and surviving the sleep deprivation of our youngest, non sleeping child. When things in that regard settled down and we once again had the energy to reconnect our desire was different. More focused, clearer and with an edge. I wanted him to take full control, I needed it more than before and more extreme than before. I’d say I had always been submissive in the bedroom but my fantasies now were around CNC, being overpowered, restrained, taken and made to hurt for him.

I wrestled with this desire for a long time. How could I even begin to want this in my relationship? How could I have witnessed and experienced the violence between my mother and father and actually want to be spanked, held down…and more? I thought there was something wrong with me. But my curiosity and my need to relinquish myself to him eventually won.

The first time Cuiplash bare hand spanked me, not just a couple of half assed arse pats but a proper hard, cheek reddening, squirming, gasping, heat inducing OTK spanking was an epiphany moment for us both. THIS was amazing pain, this was arousing, exhilarating, exciting pain full of passion, need and release. I was soaked, he was hard. We looked at each other with new eyes and laughed. This was the beginning of our acceptance and exploration into our S&M within our D/s.

We took our time, although it’s fair to say that a ready supply of Dom and sub frenzy fuelled the fires for the first year or two, consuming us with a want to do all the things and try all the things. And all the things hurt and I bloody loved it. And all the things hurt and he bloody loved dishing it out. And we still do. We feel lucky that, unawares to each other up until that point, we did not know how well we fitted regarding pain play. How well my masochism danced with his sadism, built on a growing foundation of D/s and our inherent trust, respect, communication and love.

We’ve continued to push our boundaries, learn new things, explore new situations and toys and understand our desires and reactions. Things that were initially hard limits, such as caning, I now ask for and accept willingly. I’ve found pain play to be a tremendous source of arousal, having experienced ‘paingasms’ through impact. Sexual pain turns me on, whether biting, pinching, scratching, pulling, nipping, impact or restraint. Cuiplash will sometimes purposely edge me with small acts of pain play through the day as he knows the effect it has on me, and he gets off on it too.

Consensual pain also provides a rich source of centering energy for us both. It can provide me with emotional catharsis and a positive way to purge difficult feelings. It overrides the chronic pain in such a way that I’m discomfort free for a couple of days after an intense scene. It also creates opportunity for fun and laughter as at times, particularly during public play, I usually end up a giggling mess. It focuses my attention and nurtures a deep trust and connection for us both, pulling us together in a different way. It brings mindfulness and appreciation to my breath and body and will, more often than not, induce the addictive and wonderful experience of subspace. I embrace my love of pain now, accepting my needs, and his.

Kis’s Kinks – Rope Bondage

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Bondage, of any description, is a major kink for Cuiplash and I. Whether verbal, predicament or with cuffs, tape or chains I love being restrained by him, to be used by him. There is something so incredibly freeing and arousing about being bound, restricted in movement and unable to escape.

Rope bondage is something we’ve experimented with across the years, but not in any great depth. I am always in awe watching experienced riggers demonstrate their skills at events. We tend to use different chest harnesses, single and double column ties and predicament ties. I love the feel of rope hugging my body, and revel in the indentations and marks that are left afterwards.

Another tie we enjoy is a self tie body harness that is quick and really easy to do for beginners. This tie also looks and feels great, we use a 10m length of rope for this one which is ample for my ‘curvier’ figure.

Here are the steps to follow –

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This self tie features two crotch ropes that are all kinds of fun to play with. They can be used to clamp the clit and/or the labia, hold a dildo, plug, vibrator or wand in place or be used for placement of additional crotch knots.  This tie can also be hidden under clothes…it’s very versatile!

Cuiplash and I hope to develop our skills in rope further, although most of the fun for us is in the practice of basic ties and how we can incorporate these in our play and scenes.

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Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us.  With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

Click the link to see who else is having a fantastic Boobday –

http://adissolutelifemeans.com/2018/09/friday-september-7th-is-boobday/

Valentine. Masturbation Monday #209

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I feel honoured to feature as this week’s Masturbation Monday prompt. I’ve been loving reading all the wonderful pieces that have been submitted so far, and hope there’s a few more still to come…Happy 4th birthday to Masturbation Monday!

I thought I’d share the little poem I wrote in Cuiplash’s Valentine card, that accompanied the prompt picture of me, just for him.

your Valentine surprise this year

is not for little eyes my dear

so if you name the time and place

I will ensure I tighten the lace

my stocking tops are black and red

they do look best spread wide on the bed

covered in hearts to declare my love

I hope you’ll enjoy your view from above

and as you bite my nipple I’ll purr

I love you, on Valentine’s

and always…My Sir 💋

Click the link to see who else is enjoying their Masturbation Monday –

https://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com/masturbation-monday-209/

Making his point

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I’ve been struggling this week. I became ill with a bad cold after Kinkfest and had to take a couple of days off work, I got my godawful period and I hit a major subdrop after our scenes at the event. Don’t they say things come in threes? Safe to say I’ve felt better.

The thing is, as the week wore on I felt worse emotionally, even as the cold symptoms and my period eased up somewhat. I was sleeping well but still waking tired, I was emotional and tears were never far below the surface. I felt worn out, increasingly overwhelmed, and simple tasks felt too much to start, let alone achieve.

This weekend I hit a bit of a wall with it, dipping further yesterday. I felt really tired, vulnerable, and lacking in resilience and energy. I didn’t do very much except drop our youngest at a friend’s birthday party and collect him again. The shine back on to converse with other parents I don’t know. I tend to worry when I feel this familiar feeling sneaking in. I’m not medicated and I start to wonder if I should be. Or if I can just push through as I tend to do.

Cuiplash sat me down once the kids were in bed and pulled the Dom card on me. My agreed sub name is my birth name initial and he uses this when he’s being serious when we talk. His intention is very clear to me when he calls me this. He uses it during play also but in a different way. I’ve mentioned before how poor I am at verbally expressing my feelings, wants and needs and when he uses my sub name and doesn’t allow me wriggle space to dodge in this way it helps me, as I don’t need to worry about deciding anymore. He has made the decision and it frees me.

So, over tea, biscuits and tears, we spoke. He told me to tell him how I am, how I feel, what I need and what he could do. He asked if something had triggered me and he checked if anything had happened. He told me he was worried about me and that he loved me and that I was to talk. He reassured me that he was going to look after me and that it was ok to feel how I was feeling. That I am precious. We laughed about Gollum. He told me that he was going to give me a hard spanking, an orgasm and tuck me into bed to get a good sleep.

Upstairs he stripped me, took me by the throat and kissed me. I must’ve been distracted as he pat slapped my cheek a couple of times with his four fingers. Not enough to hurt me but enough to get my full attention. There’s something acutely humiliating yet arousing about this action that combines mild shock with curiosity over my reaction to it. Whatever it is, it focuses me and puts me quickly and deeply in a submissive head space. He told me he knew I wanted to take pictures and that he would be dealing with that as we played.

Sensation first, nipple play. That hot wire of electricity that runs between them and my clit. Sucking, biting, the wheel, the blade, his teeth. We had fun recording it all.

Then, with his hand on the small of my back he held me down, bent over the bed, and bare hand spanked me hard until my arse glowed and I moaned and writhed needing more. He turned me over and laid me on the towel he’d placed down, spreading my legs wide for him. He took hold of my tampon thread and pulled it out.

Now, we’d done a clear out and tidy up of our toy bench last weekend and had no lube, having not yet ordered more of the kind we like. I was dry from the end of my period but I wanted to be filled and used. He spat on our cock dildo and used his saliva and my blood to lubricate me, as the wand on my clit and the penetration of the toy encouraged my body to make its own.

He spoke to me about enjoying watching the cock fuck me, how hard it was making him. How the cock wanted to come inside me but wanted me to come all over it first. How I could do nothing about it as it fucked me hard and how I loved that I couldn’t do anything but take it. How I wanted that cock inside me. How my pussy belonged to him. How my orgasms were his. How I had to ask permission and how he knew how close I was. He’s so very good at getting inside my head with his words, fucking me there as he controls my body, arousing the two as one.

When I couldn’t take it any longer I begged him for it. And when I came I came hard and long, squirting and arching, stretched and taut. Jerking, gasping, squeaking and swearing. The wand was still on my clit as he drew more from me as this one ran into another and I was asking him to fuck me now. Desperate for his cock, his cum, to be consumed by his body and his heat as all else falls away leaving us. Only ever us.

After a while he wrapped me up in bed, permission granted to post my picture then orders to go to sleep. He asked how I was feeling. Lighter, brighter, happier, more peaceful. He kissed my head and said goodnight. His point, as always, well made.

Blade. Sinful Sunday #386

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All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Kiss the lips to see who else is having a Sinful Sunday –

Sinful Sunday

 

TMI Tuesday ~ Sexiness

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1. What type of clothes make you feel sexy?
a. a specially selected casual outfit
b. lingerie or silky pajamas
c. elegant, dressy evening clothes
d. anything that leaves me almost naked

I’d have to go with b, c and d, as I’m fickle like that! The type of clothes that generally make me feel sexy are those that flatter my body shape, make the best of what I have and turn Cuiplash and I on.

If we’re attending an event I love to dress up and enjoy the look of black polished latex, it feels like a delicious second skin. I own a number of different latex pieces that I enjoy wearing. I’ll always wear a steel boned corset of some description too, whether an over or under bust as they suck my tummy in and enhance my curves. I love the hug that being laced into a corset gives too! I’ll add other items such as stockings, fishnets, patterned or sheer tights, gloss heels, strappy heels, long velvet boots, cuffs, harness bras, feather shoulder pieces, collars and latex mitts depending on the event.

At home I prefer to be naked or semi naked, collared and cuffed when we play. I also love decorative body stockings, fishnet, sheer, coloured and patterned leg stockings and tights, bodysuit harnesses, rope chest harnesses and gorgeous matching lingerie.

If we’re just snuggling I can feel equally sexy in cute socks, bunny slippers, vest tops, no bra and leggings.

2. Which do you prefer?
a. pillow talk
b. sexy texting
c. love notes

I love all three! My preference is pillow talk as I love lying snuggled together naked in bed, the relaxation and intimacy creates the best pillow talk!

During the day I find receiving and sending sexy texts exciting and fun and I know we can both sometimes say things to each other in text more freely. I love sending Cuiplash surprise sexy pictures via text too.

I keep all our cards and notes and still have all the love letters we sent each other when we were teenagers and then when we were at university. About eight years worth of love letters! I must go back and read them again… Cuiplash has a thing for notebooks and uses loads for his work. I’ll often leave little surprise notes for him on the next page to discover.

3. Which do you do best?
a. pillow talk
b. sexting
c. writing love notes

I think I do b and c best as I’m a bit backwards at coming forwards in expressing verbally how I feel or asking for what I need or want, and often need help in being led through that, a work in progress!

4. You been granted just ONE of the following in your favorite city/place in the world. Which would you choose and why?
a. 24 hours of romance
b. 24 hours of lust (intense, overwhelming sexual desire but not acted upon mixed with enthusiasm for life)
c. 24 hours of sex

I’d have to choose a as the romance and love in our relationship underpins the lust and the sex. So I’d look forward to those two AFTER the 24 hours of romance!

We’ve been blessed to travel the world a lot when we were younger and child free, experiencing many amazing countries and cultures and those adventures we shared together, whether romantically or not, are so dear to my heart and never to be forgotten, so I’d go with that any day!

5. How do you tap into your sexiness?

Hmmm, good question! I think I often have to view myself through his eyes. I can feel most sexy when I dress up for him for events or at home but day to day I try to look after myself physically, emotionally and mentally, although I could definitely do a better job at all three of these! I think I tap into it easiest when I’m relaxed and feeling confident and happy with myself.

Bonus: Which is better–your digital sex life or your in-the-flesh sex life?

Absolutely our in the flesh sex life. I feel very lucky to have what Cuiplash and I have, and to have had it for the majority of my life so far with him as we continue to grow together.

 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions  to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website.