Yoga tears

91E0CC5C-E66E-4C66-A37D-0716D1D3636F

I recently started a beginners yoga class, despite not being a beginner. Many years ago I practiced Ashtanga yoga and I loved the experience of the mindful connection between breath and body and building strength and appreciation in myself as a result. My body now is much older, stiffer and a lot more creaky so it was with some trepidation I decided to start it over again.

Part of my decision was also rooted in an increased awareness or need to prioritise myself. To make time in my week to just be me, and be with me. To let go of all the responsibilities of organising and caring for other people and take the time to give to myself, in order to nurture my physical and emotional well-being.

So I was more than a little surprised when, lying in Savasana at the end of an hour of Vinyasa practice I started to cry. I’m definitely one to be emotional, especially lately, but I’m definitely not one to openly cry in public. So there I am, lying flat under a cosy blanket, my head on a soft pillow, the room dimmed and silent except for slight shuffling from the other ladies, some beautiful relaxation music and the voice of my instructor leading us through the final relaxation sequence.

Thank yourself for taking the time to come to yoga tonight,” she said “thank yourself for looking after yourself.” As I internally said thank you tears immediately sprung into my eyes. I tried to breathe as steadily as I could and not let them spill past my closed lids so no-one would notice. Embarrassed and ashamed about this sudden and unexpected flood of feeling. I don’t think anyone noticed and I managed to wipe them away before sitting up again.

In my pieces Parts and Can your inner child come out and play? I wrote about my inner me, the much smaller and very vulnerable child version of me and I know that it was here that the internal thank you and the tears originated. Without sounding too weird, she felt seen and honoured, and she thanked me for that. By taking the time to do something for myself, to meet a personal need and focus on my body and breath I cared for all of me. Not just the outer functional, driven part but the deep sensitive and often neglected part.

Clinical psychologist and registered yoga teacher Melody Moore, Ph.D., says that it is common. “The body remembers everything and holds unprocessed tension.” “When we move our bodies and breathe, it gives us an opportunity to work out that tension. As it releases, so too does the emotional story or baggage.”

Yoga is also a time to get out of our heads and “drop down into our bodies,” says licensed psychotherapist Mariana Caplan, Ph.D., author of Yoga and Psyche. “The body contains the memory of the whole life we have lived,” so many emotions—sadness, fear, anger, arousal—can pop up in class when you’re not as focused on your day to day demands, she explains.

It helped to read these testimonies and to know that it is totally normal. This is something I know I can also experience during intense play with Cuiplash, particularly if the intention is there to break me down and create catharsis. I can see the similarities and how it makes sense that in stopping being ‘busy’ with the daily demands, and in having my mind quietened by just breathing and experiencing my body I can open and create the space for emotions, and tears, to rise and be processed.

It was quite a profound experience, although surprising, and confirms that I am on the right path. I’ll just pack tissues next week, as well as ask Cuiplash for some more therapeutic spankings when I need them…

22 thoughts on “Yoga tears

  1. missy September 14, 2018 / 5:00 am

    It makes a lot of sense that this can happen as it is just a different way of letting go. How did you feel after? Did it help? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 14, 2018 / 12:23 pm

      It does make a lot of sense doesn’t it? To use the physical to release the emotional in whatever way. Or at least to shut down the busy head and just concentrate on the body and breath and see what comes.

      I felt quite surprised and curious after, I didn’t cry much as I felt too self conscious so kind of pulled it together and wiped them away as soon as I could without anyone noticing. But I think I could’ve definitely had a big bawl!

      One thing I’m finding helpful is to pay attention to where, or what part of me, the emotions come from. We use these Russian stacking dolls a lot in the group to reference which part is at play, so, the tiniest is inner child, the medium is older but kinder and more the middle ground and the biggest is the doer and the protector but this one also can hide or neglect the tiniest, if that makes any sense?! It’s to do with things called schemas and modes if you’re interested.
      But it’s a useful way to symbolically figure things out and identify where needs attention.

      Sorry! Epic response lol, thanks for commenting xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • missy September 14, 2018 / 12:55 pm

        No I do find it all interesting. I wonder if something like mindfulness would be helpful too? 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. porngirl3 September 14, 2018 / 5:45 am

    Jealous!!

    I’ve always wanted to cry meditating or doing yoga. Intense. I’m sure it was cathartic.

    Hey. Question. You’ve mentioned healing trauma through BDSM. Do you have any blogs that specifically relate to that besides the one you linked to here. Any research material you can direct me to.

    I’ve decided the best way to help others is to first heal myself. Right? Sure yea. Let’s go with that. I’m not being selfish at all. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 14, 2018 / 12:29 pm

      Oh don’t be jealous! Although maybe try it? Maybe you have. I think it could be really cathartic, just not in the company of strangers! I tend to find times where I am pushed to break emotionally during scenes are incredibly cathartic as they are more intimate and vulnerable, but I think the emotional button that was pressed in yoga was the one about taking care of myself.

      I don’t as yet, but I am working on one about how I have found it healing. If I find anything else I’ll send it your way.

      You’re definitely not being selfish at all in looking after or working on you, although I can understand how easy it is to feel that as you have to become pretty introspective, sometimes at the expense of other things for a while to work though stuff. But I don’t believe it’s selfish to do that, I think it’s important and will only benefit you and those in your life xx

      Like

  3. C for now September 14, 2018 / 6:55 pm

    Strengthening yourself puts you in a place to better support others. Have her seen, fed and happy and you will be surprised at how much stronger you find yourself in day to day surroundings.

    Good luck ma’am.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 14, 2018 / 7:03 pm

      I think you’re right C, thank you x

      Like

      • C for now September 14, 2018 / 7:08 pm

        Always ma’am.

        Once wrote about those girls in order to help some disbelievers get to know them and understand them. They are wonderful girls if given a chance.

        Liked by 1 person

          • C for now September 15, 2018 / 12:24 am

            Actually, check tonight’s bit then look for “Little Understanding” (if memory serves).

            That post frequently amuses me in hindsight. More than a few fine, educated folks choose to take it up offline with me. The had read the books and watched the videos. They’ve been “living the life for almost two years now”. “My sub isn’t like that.” Uhmmm, yeah, she may be. I can assure you that you are a fool to miss it and more a fool to undervalue it. Besides, quite often it is getting to know “her” that creates the magic. But really, what do I know? I don’t write about that type stuff because I’m just a cantankerous old fart right?

            Understand her and love her. Knowing her is the secret to meeting who you really are.

            Liked by 1 person

            • kisungura September 15, 2018 / 9:07 am

              Thanks, I’ll go looking…

              I feel I know what ‘parts’ are all there, so time spent understanding and knowing them is so important. I like the idea of there being the place where the secret is held.

              Thanks again C xx

              Like

              • C for now September 15, 2018 / 4:51 pm

                Like all places, it can get a mess and, like all places, knowledge, effort, light of day and management can make it a wonderful, cozy “happy” place. Finding it is the first step.

                Liked by 1 person

                • kisungura September 15, 2018 / 4:55 pm

                  I found it! It was a fantastic and interesting read, I can relate to it all, thank you x

                  Like

                  • C for now September 15, 2018 / 7:02 pm

                    You are welcome ma’am. Glad it did not seem a waste of your time.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • kisungura September 15, 2018 / 7:04 pm

                      Not at all, it gave me a lot to think about…

                      Like

                    • C for now September 15, 2018 / 8:28 pm

                      Feel free to ask if (and as) you wish.

                      Hope you are having a good day ma’am.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • kisungura September 16, 2018 / 10:58 am

                      Thank you C xx, and you too, today.

                      Like

  4. Princesse Crowned September 15, 2018 / 1:40 am

    The physical body has memory and it likes to let go of the pain that is attached to those memories. A fav saying of mine is that tears are water escaping from the soul.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 15, 2018 / 9:18 am

      There’s this brilliant book called ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ just about that, it’s trauma based and explains how trauma rewires the brain and is held in the body as somatic memory. I like your saying a lot, it’s beautiful x

      Liked by 1 person

  5. darkanddominant September 15, 2018 / 4:30 pm

    It’s not weird at all for this little girl inside you to thank you. With all the pressures of every day adult life, we can forget to keep in touch with that side of ourselves. And I think it’s important that that little light shines through. It definitely sounds like you need it.

    Maybe it’ll be worthwhile for me. Not only mentally but physically as well. I’m a bit wound up in both regards due to my lifestyle sometimes. Migraines and stress and what not. I’ll have to look into doing it at home.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 15, 2018 / 4:40 pm

      I think you’re right, and that she’s been protected but hidden, and therefore neglected, for a long long time. She’s gaining her voice and her sense of presence though…

      I’d recommend it, I used to do Ashtanga at home and I’m glad I’ve returned to yoga, can’t wait to feel stronger again physically. Good luck!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s