In my previous post, Emotional safe word – D/s tools I wrote about why and how Cuiplash and I use a verbal, non play related safe word in our D/s as one method to communicate emotional needs. In this post I want to expand on another communication tool we put in place, my talisman pendant.
A talisman, traditionally, is an object believed to bring the owner good fortune and protection. To some extent it provides both but we’re less concerned with the tradition, and more focused on the visual signal and intention behind wearing it and how it works for us.
Despite how effective it has been to introduce an emotional safe word to our communication tool box, we have found that there are still times where I find even using that too difficult. I have a real issue with verbalising my emotional state and needs for a number of reasons, despite knowing that Cuiplash is nothing less than loving and accepting of me, always. Cuiplash and I spoke at length about what could also work for us both as an additional tool and we came up with the idea of a visual signal, for when verbalising feels hard for me and I can’t, for whatever reason, just express this part of me outright or use my emotional safe word.
Again, Cuiplash set me the task of choosing something. It had to be something that he could easily see and something with meaning. I had a look through my existing jewellery and found this tiny silver rabbit that Cuiplash had bought me a few years ago. If you follow my blog you’ll know how symbolic and precious rabbits are to me, as covered in my post Why Kisungura? and I knew this would be perfect. It hangs on a rabbit sculpture in our bedroom and if or when I feel the need to wear it I can replace my day collar with it.
It’s probably important to note that this, for us, is a tool to instigate communication and not a replacement for talking. It is simply a no pressure starting point that opens the door. We would absolutely still sit down together when alone and talk through, in detail, whatever it is that has come up. What it does, however, is develop my ability and confidence in expressing my needs whilst taking pressure off Cuiplash to second guess how I am. It easily yet effectively allows me to take responsibility for my feelings and take action instead of bottling things up and assuming he can mind read. It is another way to honour our agreement to stay open and honest and to respect the rule I have about always being truthful about my emotions and needs.
Until I can overcome my challenges in easily expressing and validating my own emotions and needs as and when I need to, we have found that these two methods are good starting points that help open the door to the deeper conversations about us and how we are doing that take place. As long as we keep communication to the fore it doesn’t really matter so much to us how it comes about, just so long as it does.