My relationship with pain


My relationship with pain is a long and complicated one. One I’ve only fairly recently come to terms with and accepted within myself.

I started hurting myself when I was around 10 years old, past most of the traumatic events of my childhood but a few years short of being out of the woods yet regarding my father’s unstable and violent behaviours. I remember becoming engrossed in picking the backs of my arms and legs, feeling for bumps and tiny imperfections that had to be removed. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned that this obsessive form of self grooming is a type of stress response that becomes a default self soothing behaviour in response to trauma.

When I was 14 I pulled out my first head hair. Trichotillomania joined the dermatillomania as my main body focused repetitive behaviours that allowed me to inflict tiny calming repetitive pains upon my body. I’d say that I’m lucky that neither resulted in significant hair loss or skin damage, however, I’ll admit these are unhelpful habits that I still struggle with particularly when stressed.

As an adult I sustained a couple of significant injuries to my hip and rotator cuff shoulder cartilage as a result of bad falls I experienced whilst taking part in sports I enjoyed. Neither of these injuries were ever properly treated and I live with chronic pain and discomfort as a result. This tends to be on a sliding scale of being unaware until I direct my attention there to constant pain exarcerbated by movement and requiring pain medication. I should really seek surgery but one, I’m scared of the risk and two, rehabilitation.

Emotional pain is a big one for me. You’ll know from my writings that earlier this year I was finally diagnosed with Complex PTSD as a result of the shit show that was my childhood. I’ve lived my whole life managing and masking difficult anxiety and depression symptoms to a greater or lesser extent whilst still being functional in all regards. Recently I’ve been learning about the reasons why, and  developing additional awareness of hypervigilance, painful emotional triggering, self worth and attachment based symptoms that I experience too as a result of my experiences. These will take time to heal from and I know I’ve still a long way to go, but I’m on it.

I never chose any of those pains, and at times I can feel helpless in their grip. I can only choose how to manage them, hide them, accept them and heal them. When Cuiplash and I started to introduce power exchange and BDSM into the bedroom, however, a world of pain I could actually choose opened up.

We’d spent roughly two or three years drifting and surviving the sleep deprivation of our youngest, non sleeping child. When things in that regard settled down and we once again had the energy to reconnect our desire was different. More focused, clearer and with an edge. I wanted him to take full control, I needed it more than before and more extreme than before. I’d say I had always been submissive in the bedroom but my fantasies now were around CNC, being overpowered, restrained, taken and made to hurt for him.

I wrestled with this desire for a long time. How could I even begin to want this in my relationship? How could I have witnessed and experienced the violence between my mother and father and actually want to be spanked, held down…and more? I thought there was something wrong with me. But my curiosity and my need to relinquish myself to him eventually won.

The first time Cuiplash bare hand spanked me, not just a couple of half assed arse pats but a proper hard, cheek reddening, squirming, gasping, heat inducing OTK spanking was an epiphany moment for us both. THIS was amazing pain, this was arousing, exhilarating, exciting pain full of passion, need and release. I was soaked, he was hard. We looked at each other with new eyes and laughed. This was the beginning of our acceptance and exploration into our S&M within our D/s.

We took our time, although it’s fair to say that a ready supply of Dom and sub frenzy fuelled the fires for the first year or two, consuming us with a want to do all the things and try all the things. And all the things hurt and I bloody loved it. And all the things hurt and he bloody loved dishing it out. And we still do. We feel lucky that, unawares to each other up until that point, we did not know how well we fitted regarding pain play. How well my masochism danced with his sadism, built on a growing foundation of D/s and our inherent trust, respect, communication and love.

We’ve continued to push our boundaries, learn new things, explore new situations and toys and understand our desires and reactions. Things that were initially hard limits, such as caning, I now ask for and accept willingly. I’ve found pain play to be a tremendous source of arousal, having experienced ‘paingasms’ through impact. Sexual pain turns me on, whether biting, pinching, scratching, pulling, nipping, impact or restraint. Cuiplash will sometimes purposely edge me with small acts of pain play through the day as he knows the effect it has on me, and he gets off on it too.

Consensual pain also provides a rich source of centering energy for us both. It can provide me with emotional catharsis and a positive way to purge difficult feelings. It overrides the chronic pain in such a way that I’m discomfort free for a couple of days after an intense scene. It also creates opportunity for fun and laughter as at times, particularly during public play, I usually end up a giggling mess. It focuses my attention and nurtures a deep trust and connection for us both, pulling us together in a different way. It brings mindfulness and appreciation to my breath and body and will, more often than not, induce the addictive and wonderful experience of subspace. I embrace my love of pain now, accepting my needs, and his.

16 thoughts on “My relationship with pain

  1. nijntje September 7, 2018 / 5:09 pm

    It is quite a ‘trip’ trying to figure out the way through kinky pain after having had to endure the abusive stuff before hand. I find kink puts me in a happy/subspace place and the other put me in a fortress of darkness, alone and unreachable.
    Do you find that there is a stark difference for you as well?

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 7, 2018 / 7:29 pm

      It really is I think, maybe not for everyone but I’m certainly not in a position to come at it from a carefree stance unfortunately.

      I think I’d agree, I wasn’t hurt physically at the time (I don’t think, maybe once…memories aren’t always clear) but the rest was enough to do harm. So things to do with it all can def put me in a bad place emotionally whereas kink puts me in a different but good place emotionally and physically, if that makes sense?

      I think it’s because I choose it, and enjoy it and claim it so there’s an element of empowerment there. Plus just accepting my preferences and what turns me on.

      Liked by 1 person

      • nijntje September 9, 2018 / 2:41 pm

        Most of my past was emotional and mental abuse as well, I’m afraid my brother got the brunt of the physical abuse, unless you count the fact that we were made to do ‘hard labour’ which unfortunately has caused a variety of physical issues for me now.

        So, I guess you could say I wasn’t physically hurt either but I did start to physically hurt myself in response to it. Our hard limits are in direct relation to those self harm outlets of mine.

        I know what you mean about choosing it and being a turn on. My self harm was an escape from reality, it made me cold and unreachable. Kinky pain puts me in a happy subspace that calms my mind and because of it makes me much more able to connect on an emotional level. Not only with the Bear but also with the world around me. Empowering, a choice! I get it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • kisungura September 9, 2018 / 5:12 pm

          I’m sorry you experienced that, and your brother too. My brother, as an adult, had his ‘moment’ with our father when he came across him once and I think it helped him. I sometimes wish I could do that…

          It’s good you’ve got limits in place around that now, I understand xx And I’m glad that the kinky pain puts you where you need to be. Thank you fir sharing, we’re clever strong bunnies 🐰🐰

          Liked by 1 person

          • nijntje September 10, 2018 / 4:21 pm

            We are clever, strong bunnies! *wink* No need to be sorry though, the things i went through made me who I am and I’m very happy. 🙂 I had my ‘moment’ with my father when i was 21 and he threatened me with a chair. My brother has recently come to terms and had his ‘moment’ as well. It helps but it’s not a cure. You’ll get to where you need, don’t worry just keep moving.

            Liked by 1 person

            • kisungura September 10, 2018 / 5:26 pm

              Oh goodness, I can see how it’d help and sometimes wonder…but I’m not brave enough plus I don’t know how dangerous he still is. Not seen him for 22 years. I’m glad you’re secure in how things have shaped you, I’m still working on that but it gives me hope, so thank you, I’ll keep on moving! xx

              Liked by 1 person

              • nijntje September 10, 2018 / 6:17 pm

                Have you tried/considered writing out everything you wish to say to him and then setting it on fire. Letting all your feelings out and away with the smoke? Just something I have heard of before when the person you want to address has passed or you just can’t face. Good or bad, it gives a chance to get those feelings down and out …
                As a teen I used to write things out and set the papers on fire all the time, before I was able to face them. It helped me then as well. Just a thought. 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

                • kisungura September 11, 2018 / 5:43 pm

                  I’ve considered it but never done it, I think I’m still afraid of what’d come out!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • nijntje September 11, 2018 / 6:25 pm

                    I think perhaps that’s the point. What’s that saying, the truth shall set you free?

                    No one needs to see it but you anyway. You may however find that once it’s out you feel better. You may even want to share, to get the healing going for yourself.

                    You just never know.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • kisungura September 11, 2018 / 6:31 pm

                      I think it is and I’ve read about how it can help. Maybe I could do it a bit at a time…🤔


                    • nijntje September 11, 2018 / 7:29 pm

                      Baby steps my bunny friend, baby steps!

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. Princesse Crowned September 10, 2018 / 3:32 am

    It is interesting that we sometimes have to dive deeply into a dark well to find answers.

    I never had a proper spanking growing up (because I was damn near perfect and wasn’t going to push my Mom to punish me that way), so a naughty spanking wasn’t bad or good–just odd, if that is the right word. I just wasn’t sure WTF I was supposed to feel. Besides ouchy, after a point.(I liked the attention and the accompanying dirty talk and role play, will admit that.)

    I had to focus on what it did for him and what it made him feel, for it to make enough sense for me to participate fully and not be confused or frowning or questioning.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kisungura September 10, 2018 / 5:24 pm

      Sometimes the darkest places hide them best I find. It’s interesting you were unsure what to feel until you focused on what it did for him and then how that made you feel in turn. Was it like his reaction gave you permission to accept and enjoy it? X

      Liked by 1 person

      • Princesse Crowned September 11, 2018 / 5:09 am

        It is his moods, his sounds, every bit of his reactions that fuels me. His enjoyment is absolutely what feeds me.

        Liked by 1 person

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