Reflecting upon our D/s lifestyle, the one word I keep coming back to in my mind is intention. For Cuiplash and I, living and loving with intention is our underlying hidden narrative that enables us to keep our focus on each other, our values and our D/s marriage.
This is not to say we bumbled along completely unawares and out of touch for 23 years prior to formalising our D/s within our relationship as that would do us both a great disservice, however, I think it would be fair to say that at times across the years we were carried along by the various events of our life together like leaves in a stream. We sometimes lacked the tools, opportunity and focus to effectively communicate and determine our path together with shared intention consistently.
When we began to introduce power exchange and BDSM into our marriage, it was initially within the bedroom, and was entirely sexually driven. Our intentions were clear and unambiguous as they were primarily act driven. We found however, as time went on, that our D/s began to naturally spill out into the rest of our relationship as we both found it increasingly jarring to switch in and out of Dominant and submissive mindsets. Our D/s created the space to connect to each other deeply beyond just the physical, increasing our bond emotionally and mentally. We realised individually and together how this was an authentic fit for us and how it benefited our marriage. It took us time, and is still a work in progress as all relationships are, but integrating intention within our D/s and the hidden narrative that underpins this allows us the opportunity to weave improved consistency and increased strength throughout our dynamic.
I wrote a little about being clear on why you are doing something in my piece Knowing Your Why and this principle, for us, applies to intention in our dynamic. Our primary intention within our relationship now is to do our best to honour each others’ needs by focusing on each other in a number of ways. What we have found is, in doing so, we create a hidden narrative in our communication, our thoughts and our actions. What starts as intention creates a behaviour, in turn this behaviour becomes a habit, the habit develops into a practice and this practice becomes a matter of course. Our D/s has grown, developed and encouraged who we are, what we do and, more importantly, why we do it.
When Cuiplash messages me to ask if I took a nap and ate and drank enough on my non working day, his intention comes from concern and care. We are both clear that the hidden narrative is that he is checking that I’m looking after myself and my needs as this is an agreed rule. In turn, when I reply to confirm I have, my intention is to honour our D/s, the hidden narrative is that I respect his rule and his check in. When I’m struggling and getting into an anxious flap about something and he takes me by the wrist and calls me my sub name his intention is to care for and calm me by positively triggering me. The hidden narrative reinforces his Dominance, reminds me of our power exchange and my place and thus creates security. These are just two examples amongst many that we share.
Recognising shared intention and hidden narrative is a way for us to foster consistency. Intention is the fuel that feeds our D/s foundation and our shared vision. Instead of being carried along without focus or tools, we consciously try to create structure through our aims, our actions and how we direct our energy in relation to each other. Our intentions honour our chosen lifestyle as they nurture the space to recognise each other and ourselves with increased clarity and authenticity. Choosing intentions within our D/s in regards to how we communicate, how we care for each other, how we meet each others’ needs and how we value our D/s is fundamentally a conscious lifestyle act that always comes from a place of shared love and respect.
Click the link to see who else is discussing lifestyle in this week’s Wicked Wednesday –