I’ve been struggling this week. I became ill with a bad cold after Kinkfest and had to take a couple of days off work, I got my godawful period and I hit a major subdrop after our scenes at the event. Don’t they say things come in threes? Safe to say I’ve felt better.
The thing is, as the week wore on I felt worse emotionally, even as the cold symptoms and my period eased up somewhat. I was sleeping well but still waking tired, I was emotional and tears were never far below the surface. I felt worn out, increasingly overwhelmed, and simple tasks felt too much to start, let alone achieve.
This weekend I hit a bit of a wall with it, dipping further yesterday. I felt really tired, vulnerable, and lacking in resilience and energy. I didn’t do very much except drop our youngest at a friend’s birthday party and collect him again. The shine back on to converse with other parents I don’t know. I tend to worry when I feel this familiar feeling sneaking in. I’m not medicated and I start to wonder if I should be. Or if I can just push through as I tend to do.
Cuiplash sat me down once the kids were in bed and pulled the Dom card on me. My agreed sub name is my birth name initial and he uses this when he’s being serious when we talk. His intention is very clear to me when he calls me this. He uses it during play also but in a different way. I’ve mentioned before how poor I am at verbally expressing my feelings, wants and needs and when he uses my sub name and doesn’t allow me wriggle space to dodge in this way it helps me, as I don’t need to worry about deciding anymore. He has made the decision and it frees me.
So, over tea, biscuits and tears, we spoke. He told me to tell him how I am, how I feel, what I need and what he could do. He asked if something had triggered me and he checked if anything had happened. He told me he was worried about me and that he loved me and that I was to talk. He reassured me that he was going to look after me and that it was ok to feel how I was feeling. That I am precious. We laughed about Gollum. He told me that he was going to give me a hard spanking, an orgasm and tuck me into bed to get a good sleep.
Upstairs he stripped me, took me by the throat and kissed me. I must’ve been distracted as he pat slapped my cheek a couple of times with his four fingers. Not enough to hurt me but enough to get my full attention. There’s something acutely humiliating yet arousing about this action that combines mild shock with curiosity over my reaction to it. Whatever it is, it focuses me and puts me quickly and deeply in a submissive head space. He told me he knew I wanted to take pictures and that he would be dealing with that as we played.
Sensation first, nipple play. That hot wire of electricity that runs between them and my clit. Sucking, biting, the wheel, the blade, his teeth. We had fun recording it all.
Then, with his hand on the small of my back he held me down, bent over the bed, and bare hand spanked me hard until my arse glowed and I moaned and writhed needing more. He turned me over and laid me on the towel he’d placed down, spreading my legs wide for him. He took hold of my tampon thread and pulled it out.
Now, we’d done a clear out and tidy up of our toy bench last weekend and had no lube, having not yet ordered more of the kind we like. I was dry from the end of my period but I wanted to be filled and used. He spat on our cock dildo and used his saliva and my blood to lubricate me, as the wand on my clit and the penetration of the toy encouraged my body to make its own.
He spoke to me about enjoying watching the cock fuck me, how hard it was making him. How the cock wanted to come inside me but wanted me to come all over it first. How I could do nothing about it as it fucked me hard and how I loved that I couldn’t do anything but take it. How I wanted that cock inside me. How my pussy belonged to him. How my orgasms were his. How I had to ask permission and how he knew how close I was. He’s so very good at getting inside my head with his words, fucking me there as he controls my body, arousing the two as one.
When I couldn’t take it any longer I begged him for it. And when I came I came hard and long, squirting and arching, stretched and taut. Jerking, gasping, squeaking and swearing. The wand was still on my clit as he drew more from me as this one ran into another and I was asking him to fuck me now. Desperate for his cock, his cum, to be consumed by his body and his heat as all else falls away leaving us. Only ever us.
After a while he wrapped me up in bed, permission granted to post my picture then orders to go to sleep. He asked how I was feeling. Lighter, brighter, happier, more peaceful. He kissed my head and said goodnight. His point, as always, well made.