I came across this inspirational clip on YouTube quite a while ago, and it really served to crystallise my thoughts and actions regarding my submission and our D/s. Please take a look –
“When you know your ‘why’ your ‘what’ has more impact as you are walking in or towards your purpose.”
This statement struck me as such a simple and obvious premise yet one that can easily get lost in the ‘doing’ of things.
Looking back across the years to the blossoming beginnings of our D/s I think, initially, we were very much about ‘what’ we were doing. There was definitely a lengthy period of sub/Dom frenzy for Cuiplash and I and a rush to do all the things and try all the things and experience all the things, like kids in a candy shop. I’m sure many readers can relate to this. As our D/s began in the bedroom our ‘what’ was primarily kink based and physically and sexually driven.
As things settled down and we maintained a more sustainable and realistic momentum our D/s gained increased space to grow and expand beyond the physical, and deeper into the emotional. As much as the fun of the ‘what’ satiated our carnal desires, paying more attention to why we were doing certain things fed a more profound and fulfilling emotional connection, and created space for vulnerability, honesty and openness.
Now we ensure we continue to use our ‘why’ as a starting point in discussions pertaining to our marriage and our dynamic. By focusing on what is important and ultimately why something is valuable to our relationship, our values and our purpose in maintaining our D/s (both physically and emotionally) we find that identifying the ‘whats’ comes naturally as a result.
Physically we both have identified preferences and needs relating to S/M within our D/s and usually during play or scenes we will incorporate, to a greater or lesser extent, elements of this. To us, this is important as by doing so we honour those drives and we create increased space for trust and authenticity in meeting each other’s needs.
Emotionally I have some challenges in always being able to verbally express to Cuiplash when I’m struggling or need additional support from him so we decided to introduce a couple of ‘whats’ to alleviate this. We devised a meaningful emotional safeword that I can use to signal to him, plus a talisman pendant I can wear to visually express to him my need without having to say anything. The use of either of these will prompt a deeper discussion later when we are alone as it is vital to us to keep communication lines open to prevent negative outcomes.
Touch is my primary love language and it is important to me to feel safe and secure, his touch both serves to calm and excite me, depending on his intention, so we ensure that we maintain protocols around leaving and meeting each other that are touch focused to honour the value we both hold to this aspect.
These are just a few examples of how Cuiplash and I relate our ‘whats’ to our ‘whys’ and I could provide many more but, like everything within D/s, everyone will have different needs and relational values. Ultimately, we have found great value in starting with the ‘why’ to inform ‘what’ we do, by doing so we ensure we are more often than not either walking in or walking towards our joint purpose.